I'm Sorry I Love You
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: This pain in my chest will not fade, it will not leave I will not weep. CHARACTER DEATH! SUICIDE! SLASH!


**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.**

**A/N: I'm pretty messed up right now, that's where this is coming from. And there are times when I don't mind being messed up, because some of the best writing I've ever done has come from my darkness. But I don't like this... I don't like this kind of pain. So I'm writing to try and kill this hurt. You want to judge... ? Go ahead. Don't even care anymore. **

**THIS IS FICTION... FICTION! IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! OBVIOUSLY! SO yeah... just read and enjoy your brief moments within the dark.**

**This could be about any of the boys, heartbreak is the key... who do you think it's about? Who does it fit the best? This is def slash. Just saying. **

**Warnings: Mentions of suicidal thoughts... mentions of suicide, cursing, and possible death.**

**I'm Sorry I Love You:**

_This pain in my chest_

_Will not fade_

_It will not leave_

_I will not weep_

_Just lay here, _

_Letting the ache_

_Consume everything _

_I once was_

_This pain in my chest _

_Will not fade_

_It will not leave_

_I will not weep_

**IT'S LIKE I NEED TO SHOOT MYSELF TO AVOID THE PAIN THAT I KNOW IS TO COME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND! DO YOU HEAR ME? Sitting here... SCREAMING! SCREAMING FOR YOU TO JUST SEE ME... SEE ME! PLEASE! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND I'M GONE!**

The pain in my chest, from the heart break is too deep. I'm going to crack and kill myself. Because... because I cannot bare this pain. I cannot bare being insane.

You'll regret it, all that you did, all that you forgot, and you'll actually care that six-feet-under... I shall rot. Nothing can ever make up for what you've done. I LOVED HIM! I FUCKING LOVED HIM! And here... I... am... in pain. While he's not. But he NEEDS me... and I don't know what to do.

Everyone's left me... cause they all leave in the end. What's a kid supposed to do? When everyone else has walked out on you?

Nothing.

I'll always be standing here, gun held losely. But not for long. The grip I have shall tighten and my arm will raise. Ending it all. Because it's not fair. And I don't care if I'm selfish, IT HURTS! And nothing anyone ever says will make the pain go away. Let's pretend that we always loved each other... that the _love_ I felt with others, meant something.

But it didn't, the love I hold for you... outstands everything else. Everything I've ever known. AND YOU NEED ME! I KNOW THAT! AND I'M ABOUT TO DO THE MOST SELFISH THING I'VE EVER DONE! But the pain is overwhelming and I can't even tell you about it... because it would ruin everything. Split everything in two.

You deserve the world... you deserve so much better than me, and I'm sorry I love you. I just couldn't help but fall...

_Let me love you baby_

But it's too late... and there is no love to be found.

No home that still stands strong.

No boy that still smiles.

No heart that beats.

No life that lives.

No purpose.

No-

There's just nothing, and no one, and it's so freakin' dark. Can't save you, can't save myself. I've tried for so long, to be your Hero. To be the one that stands tall and proud. To make you proud.

But all I ever was, was a dissapointment to you.

A fuck up.

An ass.

Dick.

Nothing's here anymore. Don't you see? Can't you hear me? I'm telling you the truth. I'm screaming it in your ears as you just sit there and read, the book, the pages of your life. You can't just sit by and read forever, you have to be the character, be the main character that does the adventuring, that falls in love, that _lives_

But you're not, you're just hiding your perfect nose in that perfect book. But it's not so perfect anymore... cause you're out here... and not in there.

Not where you are supposed to be.

_In my arms..._

So here I am... still standing here... still holding this gun, but my grip has tightened and I'm smiling. The first real smile in forever, because the pain I've been feeling? Yeah that's about to be end...

Just like me.

_You don't need to do this! You've got nothing left to prove! Stay with me! Please?_

Can't fly if you don't fall.

So here I am... falling. Into an abyss. I can hear the laughter all around me, the stinging, burning ache in my chest... and before anyone can even take a breath... flesh lovingly embraces metal and just like that... I'm gone.

**MyHeroRaven**


End file.
